grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
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Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
This made me smile…
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.