[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
You Might Also Like
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
Bobby pin
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
[montage of me giving-up]
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word