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My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
Breaking news:
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Snapes on a plane.
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
August 8
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”