Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
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I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
nature’s most graceful animal
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
Oh the world we live in…
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’