[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
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*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
Every house has this drawer
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
My dating profile:
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.