“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
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BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.