Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
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Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle