Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
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Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
Feels like there should be a middle ground
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
Sharon I have some bad news
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?