It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
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they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
The symmetry is uncanny.
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.