I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
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[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
my first day as a raccoon
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
I’m not proud
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.