accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
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Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.