This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
You Might Also Like
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.