I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
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Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
how to have fun when you’re poor
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.