The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
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My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
only 11 steps left
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
Kermit goes Blue.
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
yeah 😭
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.