Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
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“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.