me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
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Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
a badder mouse
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!