anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
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Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
I’ve had relationships like this
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME