Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
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Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.