Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
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Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!