I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
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Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
$4 #usedbooks
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you