Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
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Ha.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
❤️❤️❤️
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
Just say no
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.