[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
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Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
Me :
All Day At Night
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.