Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
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I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
True freaking story!
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
The only good comments section online is on recipes
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.