A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
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When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
men, we mow at sunrise.
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.