Fries, not lies.
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A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
Time for evil
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
More like Kate Missington.
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it