Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
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[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
Woke up against my better judgment again
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
if my sleeping schedule was a person
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me