That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
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Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.