When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
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It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now