Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
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Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
Golf would be better with landmines.
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*