“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
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Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
No chill.
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.