(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
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If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.