Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
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[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”