when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
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“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
Happy Friday
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.