[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
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Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
That took me a moment.
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.