GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
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“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
How to make infinite energy.
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there