Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
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[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
be careful
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
Nothing.
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.