I finally found a reason to live again.
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10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation