My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
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Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?