Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
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(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs