Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
You Might Also Like
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
Why I divorced her.
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.