This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
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Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours