Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
You Might Also Like
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
Zack Greinke stories are the best
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming