I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
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My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat