Lmao
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“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.