If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
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Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!