How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
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So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
*bites zombie*
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
how high up are we talkin’?
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.