Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
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If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
one of
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”