wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
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My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
Never ghost your hitman.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight