Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
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19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.