Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
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{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
I’m just playing devils avocado here
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.